We interrupt this program to bring you some startling news: sometimes what qualifies as “vegan food” is just lame. I’m spoiled living in Los Angeles where practically every neighborhood has a multitude of awe inspiring delicious vegan food options. Every once in a while though you happen upon a clunker… and boy did I.
It all started when I scored some free tickets to go see the excellent movie Vicktory To The Underdog at The Egyptian Theater in Hollywood as part of the Artivist Film Festival dedicated to addressing Human Rights, Children’s Advocacy, Environmental Preservation, and Animal Rights. Later on the same night as this screening was the event’s closing ceremonies, “followed by an exquisite Vegan Dinner Reception and Musical Performances. This year’s Organic Vegan Feast is specially prepared by renowned Chef Mark Kearney of the Mark Kearney Group.”
That last bit about the vegan feast got my attention, then I noticed the cost was $50. Alas, too rich for my wallet today. As my friend and I who were already both rather hungry were leaving the theater, we couldn’t help but notice a large food area set up outside, vending what we were stoked to discover was an all vegan menu by none other than the same chef catering the event. Nothing fancy on offer, but still, how often do you randomly walk into a vegan food station at your local movie theater? Here’s the menu:
Vegan Hot Dogs?!! With VEGAN CHILI?!!! Well of course I want one! Dogs ordered, the guy serving them up tells us (in what I realized after the fact was a somewhat apologetic tone) that it’s not exactly like real chili, more like their own special white bean concoction. Hmmmm, well ok… the sign says chili dog and all, but we were willing to give it a try. Forking over $5 per “chili dog”, here’s what we received:
Where to begin? These were your basic, mediocre tofu dogs that had absolutely nothing done to them. I’m pretty sure they were heated in a microwave for a few seconds… mine was luke warm while my friend’s burned his mouth when he took a bite. The beans tasted like baked beans straight out of a can. I don’t know, maybe they made these from scratch, but I doubt it, and even if they did, they still SUCKED. Bland, bland, bland… like something you’d be served at a public elementary school or a hospital cafeteria. Even the buns were stupid… mine was too doughy and stuck to the roof of my mouth like Wonder Bread, while you can see the other one is all shriveled up and sad looking, like maybe it was the last end piece in the bag or something. Even with some generic mustard squeezed on to try and enliven the proceedings, this was one pathetic presentation and a shoddy, half-assed attempt at vegan “cooking”. Come on, who serves something that looks like that? Have some pride in the food your feeding people or don’t bother.
Before we got our dogs we witnessed another order of food being served to a customer, and I shit you not, we couldn’t identify what it was. It was nothing but a bunch of beige ingredients of differing textures poured together. To me it looked like a bowl of lumpy vomit mixed with oatmeal, but my friend suggested it may have been some kind of quinoa and tofu something-or-other. He was probably right but I still think beige vomit is more descriptive of what it looked like. I think this may have been the curry bowl, but it resembled curry about as much as my shoe resembles a hot fudge sundae.
They also had listed “MK’s Chili with Tortilla Chips” ($5). This was a tiny plate with a handful of corn chips out of a bag with the same baked bean “chili” spooged on top as we had encountered on our depressing tofu dogs.
What a bust. How sad that people who may have never before tried vegan food were being served this slop. It gives vegan food a bad name and literally leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Is this the same sort of bummer food that people were being served as part of the spectacular $50 organic vegan feast? If so, well, that would just be shameful.
But let’s finish on a positive note, shall we? The movie I mentioned above is something everyone needs to see. Here’s how Vicktory To The Underdog is described by it’s producers:
Vicktory To The Underdog takes an in depth look at world renowned tattoo artist Brandon Bond and his dog rescue efforts – particularly rescuing the infamous Michael Vick fighting dogs.
Rather than focusing on the dog fighting problem, the movie sheds light on solutions leading to “Vicktory” for all the underdogs in the movie – tattooed people, pitbulls, parolees and all the other people in this world that society has turned their back on through ignorance and racism.
The movie also examines the life of Brandon Bond and his struggle with balancing fame, fortune and the Rock-N-Roll tattoo lifestyle with a more fulfilling life that focuses on the betterment of both animals and society as a whole.
Featuring celebrities like Debbie and Danny Trejo, Michael Berryman, Pixie Acia and Donal Logue, the movie takes you on an incredible journey you will never forget!
It’s that and so much more. Truly a moving film that makes you laugh, makes you cry, and most importantly sheds an unflinching eye on the subject of dog fighting and the people working behind the scenes to rehabilitate these wonderful dogs. It breaks my heart that such cruelty exists in the world and I’m so blown away by the compassionate people out there trying to make a difference. If you have a dog, especially if it’s a pitbull, you’re going to want to go hug them and never let go after watching this movie. If you don’t have a dog, you might find yourself like I did afterwards approaching strangers with dogs on the street just so you can give the pooch some head rubs and a few kisses. Even people who don’t like dogs or who think all pitbulls are vicious killers would be hard pressed to watch this film without shedding some tears or not gaining a greater appreciation for these dogs, and insight into the misunderstandings about this much maligned breed.
I’ll leave you with the movie’s trailer, and my highest recommendation and suggestion that you see it, and get other people to see it. Check around for a screening in your area or pick up a copy of the DVD.
the movie sounds great! that food FUCKINGBLOWS!!! grrrr makes me so mad that peeps who aren’t vegan and possibly haven’t had anything vegan before are being exposed to that shit >:(
EPIC HOT DOG FAIL. that looks so gross. isn’t it great though, to have a blog at times like this?! fuck shitty vegan food.
Shameful! I can’t believe the caterer put their name out there serving food like that. The movie looks really interesting though. Thanks for the review! :-)
I agree with all of the above!
quarrygirl: Totally. You know I don’t often post bad reviews. If a place just kind of sucks I’d just as soon not bother with giving them any attention. But some times things are just so bad that the world needs to know. Those wannabe chili dogs were so ridiculous, I just had to say something.
The movie made me cry but that sad attempt at a chili dog made me weep.
When I got home Mugger attacked me and showered me in smooches, it was great. I love my big brown red nosed dude.
Scott: I love your big brown red nosed dude too… even when he’s rape kissing me :)
Um, by the way… I’m referring to his dog you perverts.
I hadn’t heard of that movie. I wanna see it!