Running this blog can be so much fun. The best part isn’t the great and positive feedback I get from 99% of my visitors… no, the best parts are the random comments and emails I occasionally get from the other 1% who stumble in here somehow (mostly likely in between halftime commercials on the way to the fridge for another Bud-lite) and feel motivated to crap out their intolerant, dimwitted observations.
Take for example the following comment I just received from a rather devoted and passionate fan of Anthony Bourdain, identified only by his chosen moniker of “Carnivore“. Isn’t that clever?
Hey here is a thought… How about all you hippies come up with your own recipes? Bourdain is an incredible chef who disagrees with your ways totally. He has that right. Doesn’t he? If you don’t like him or his ways then don’t buy his books or even bother changing his recipes. The fact that you are investing so much time and effort in it whatsoever proves you must be obsessed with him on some level. Just jealous because you aren’t as cool or as famous as he is… or is it the fact that you lack the ability to cook like he does so you just change around his recipes instead of coming up with your own?
Jeez…Get a life
Wow Carnivore sure told me, huh? Way to put us hippies in our place man. You’re right, I am so totally jealous of and obsessed with Anthony Bourdain because I’m not as cool or famous. You’ve totally figured me out… how did you know? The best part Carnivore is that you seem to think you’re on the Hezbollah Tofu website, considering that those are the folks veganizing Bourdain’s recipes and having a fine time ridiculing him, not me.
For what it’s worth Carnivore, as far as time invested is concerned, it’s taken me about 10 minutes to write this response, while it probably took you about 3 or 4 hours to string those few sentences together… so let’s not be pointing any sticky fingers.
It’s funny to me how Anthony Bourdain seems to inspire such a following of devoted dudes ready to annihilate any hippie in their path who dares to say anything negative about him. What’s with all the straight-boy man-crushes these guys have for Bourdain? Is it his lanky, stunted-into-skinniness by cigarettes and too many years of consuming diseased duck liver physique that gets them all hot and bothered? Or is it just the thought of his crispy-fried-pork-skin breath kissing away their fears of broccoli and dark leafy greens that really gets them going? Whatever it is, I find their misdirected ire rather amusing. I wish these guys would just accept themselves for who they are, come out of the closet (or in this case, the meat-locker), and perhaps seek out advice from a gay love columnist instead of an obsessed hippie vegan food blogger who can’t cook.
Anyhow, I’m going to go ahead and assume that Carnivore is reaching out and that his comments are really just a cry for help. It appears that he’s desperately in need of some healthy, vegan recipes to help cool down that hair-trigger temper born of unrequited Bourdain-love. It’s ok Carnivore, I know what it’s like to have a broken heart (though mine was caused by getting dumped while yours is probably due to clogged arteries). In treating Carnivore’s condition I’d say it’s best to go for something raw and cleansing considering there’s probably a whole mess of ground beef, ketchup and lard stopping up his colon, no doubt adding to his cranky mood. Probably something gluten- and sugar-free too… the last thing our friend here needs is another spike in his blood sugar. If you’d like to help Carnivore who is so clearly in need, you can send your recipes, vegan lifestyle tips and animal rights/factory farming information to him at this address (which probably doesn’t really exist):
(Update:) Thanks to Foodtrance for letting us know that indeed the email address for the Cowardly Carnivore was bogus.
(Update 2:) Ok, I’ll take the high road. Apparently I gave at least one person out there the impression with my farcical rebuttal here that I am an intolerant, militant vegan, and a homophobe. The good news is that none of those are true, which is obvious to anyone who knows me or reads this blog. If you’ve read homophobia into my little rant about the straight-boys with boners for Anthony Bourdain than, well, you’re wrong.